Daughter

IOh how you hate me

..and oh how little you understand me. That is the clearest thing ever. Did you know that hate comes from love? 

You may think I had choices but I really had few. Sometimes none. Most of the time. 

You may think I was proud, but you’ll never know how alone I was, and I never felt what “proud“  would feel like.  

I was in constant fear and I was daily told that I was no good and not good enough, and I believed them.

I still do. I’m still being told and I still believe. 

You where my first pride and as you grew in every way, I sometimes envied you. You are the strongest person I know. I could never do what you do. 

You where everything I wasn’t and now I suddenly see the anger in you too, that I had all those years. I can feel what you feel.

I’ve known that feeling my whole life. 

I spent so many years being angry and misunderstood, and looking for answers I could never have. Don’t do what I did!!!!

Don’t carry hate and anger within your heart because; I swear – it will never ever leave you again!!!  It will eat you up and grow roots that’ll never leave. 

I don’t know what it’s like to forgive so I can’t tell you how to, and I’ll never ask you for it but trust me – let go of the hate and anger, and the desire to hurt. 

I have always told my loved ones that I cannot forgive them, and I never will. Not the dead nor the living. I don’t have it in me. I’ve learned to accept that. My love for them will never leave although I had to. 

That is my burden to hold to my death, and my advice to you – my only advice to you – will be, to not carry that same pain in your life. 

It’s not a good life not knowing how to forgive. I’ll have guilt but I’ll never have regret. My past thought me to survive the only way I could. Maybe it wasn’t the right way, but it was the only way I knew. No one ever thought me otherwise. 

I could never be alone. I needed people and I didn’t care about who they where, as long as I wasn’t alone. Many things have changed and now I need to be alone from time to time. More and more. 

I thought I punished loved ones with me gone, instead I learned that I need to have the distance. 

And so do they. 

Summed up, you should not be with people who don’t walk miles for you. I stopped walking empty miles as I discovered that I walked them alone. 

That doesn’t mean I won’t run a 1000 miles for YOU. 

For YOU and for HIM. 

For the two of you I would climb mountains naked and afraid. Just ask me and I’ll start climbing. 

I’ll never understand your choices. You have been so angry at me for staying with bad blood to not be alone. Again I see me in you. I’ll forever respect your choice – but never ask of me to understand. 

I’ll never understand that you let others speak with your words. That you sink beneath them. The strength I’ve always saw in you became intensely small for a while. Where was your truth and honor when you asked for honestly?

You shared your hate – just as I did. Just like you hated me for. You do what I did. You do many things that you hated me for. 

I’ll give you a ONE TIME offer. Sit with me with nothing but honestly, leave behind everyone who speaks your words, and so will I. Not today. Not tomorrow. Some day. 

Any question you’ll have I’ll answer best way I can. But it’s a two way street. The questions I’ll have, you’ll have to answer best way you can. 

As I will respect your answers, for what you did, you’ll need to respect the answers I give. 

My entire past never ever sparkled. I was never lifted or given anything for free. Advice always came with a hard price. I’m still paying that price. That price is not worth the anger. But when you can’t let go of the anger – well, you’ll still be paying the price. 

The love I got was not love – did that make me unable to love? No, but it thought me nothing about real love. 

I can’t nor will I make excuses for the way I have been showing my love. 

I’m tired of being angry and walking around not being heard. You clearly have a need to be heard. 

I’m listening. But I’ll never will listen to others than you. 

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